Dazed and Confused...

Just like the title says... I am feeling dazed and confused. So much has been going on with and around me sometimes I am not sure which way is up and I feel a bit sideways. Before I get going, I have to say that I am a very lucky Kitty, my life has been blessed. I have so many wonderful things in my life, my mom and family, my dear friend who are my chosen family, my job and co-workers, my kings, my life.
So why am I feeling sideways? Well lots of stuff kind of coming at me at once and I am not real sure where the shift in the universe was but something happened and my path started to wind. I laughed to myself in this very moment because I am not so sure where to start. Let's go peripheral first. Things around me started to swirl when I found out that one of my uncles ended up in the hospital with a severe infection in his feet and lower legs. He said there wasn't a lot of pain but he is also one of the most stoic people I know... anyway, I have always referred to him as "the mountain man" because he lives alone out in the middle of nowhere Truxton - a bit of a scary drive getting to his house. Well my uncle is my mom's older brother, he had a wife and 4 kids, 3 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. His life with his kids has always been turbulent, the 3 older ones were involved in all sorts of drug activity, using, making, distributing... the youngest sadly was killed at the age of 17 in a car wreck in 1987. The 3 other ones were in and out of jail and for the most part estranged from him. His wife died like 10 years ago leaving him to live alone. Well a few months ago we found out that one of the grandsons, who was in jail, was found dead in his cell - possible suicide but nothing was confirmed, his name was Mike. Well one week to the day, Mike's mom, my uncle's daughter also committed suicide, intentional overdose. Seriously, how much can one man take? But being the strong silent type my uncle just went on about his life - then the infection. My mom and her 2 sisters worried over him - they found out that he had not taken care of himself, he was eating like every other day, not bathing, just not doing what one needs to do to care for ones self. After leaving the hospital he agreed to stay with one of my aunts and then with the other before returning home. I have never been close to this uncle, quite honestly, he always scared me, he is quiet and when he does talk he has a deep voice, makes me feel like a scared little girl.
So why do I bring him up? Fear... he is in his early 70's and for the first time I started thinking about the mortality of my family. My family is rather small and half of us are already gone. Then I start thinking about my mom's mortality. She is not in the best of health, but like her brother is quite stoic and doesn't always tell you everything that is going on. Every time I see her I fear how much time we have left and I get scared. She is my best friend, she is my lifeline and I really don't know how I will survive without her. FORTUNATELY I have no real reason to fear anything at this time but it makes you think.
On another scary family note, my aunt is battling breast cancer. She was diagnosed one year ago and have been undergoing treatment, she is done with chemo and is now finishing radiation. She really is doing better and according to the docs is currently cancer free - but the type of cancer she had is very aggressive and has a high chance of coming back. We are rejoicing in the here and now and enjoying all the time we can. But still scary. Again, makes you think about your own mortality.
This leads me to that friend I talked about in my last blog - the one that just stopped using her insulin and was found near comatose in her home. She is only 10 years older than me and again with her, even tho I am at a loss as to what to do about her I find myself questioning "quality of life." Was her quality of life so bad that she just gave up? I know that she suffered from depression but she refused to admit to that and refused to even look into it - so being untreated for depression leads me to think that her quality of life had to be bad. Same with my uncle, alone on his mountain, his quality of life had to be bad as well being that he stopped taking care of himself and just didn't seem to care anymore. But my aunt, her cancer was a wake up call, a painful wake up call. It brought she and I closer and I think it strengthened her bond with my mom and her other sister. She wants to be better, she wants to have more out of life and each day with each treatment she pushes for having a better quality of life because she is going to beat this demon called cancer. That gives me hope.

Then just this week I am blind sided with the news that a childhood friend, Ken, was in the hospital with a ruptured spleen - scary thing is that his spleen was full of cancer. Damn! He is only 2 years older than me. Back to the mortality thing. I get a call from my mom today, she had an update. Ken's mom just got back in town from spending time with him at the hospital and she called my mom with an update. So mom called me and told me that when they went in to remove the spleen they found a large mass, that too was removed but there was more cancerous tumors on his colon. My eyes filled with tears as she says, "he has stage 4 cancer." My heart fell, a lump rose in my throat, I had to end the call because I needed a moment. All in one moment, I had flashes of our moments together, thoughts that he is too young, he has worked so hard for the military so that he could retire early so that he could watch his little girl grow up. Then the reality that I it doesn't matter how old you are, how healthy or unhealthy you are, poor, rich, smart, not-so-smart, cancer just happens to some people for no reason at all.
Ken was my first everything. I met him after my mom married my step dad... Ken's mom and step dad were friends friends of theirs. I was 6 when we met, he was 8. I thought he was the coolest person I had every laid eyes on. I followed him around like a puppy. My first crush on a boy. We were friends, he thought it was funny that I had a crush on him but it fed his ego so he was good with it. One night when I was like 12, he would have been 14, we were invited to his house for dinner and our folks were going to play cards. It was the first snow of the year and he and I went out for a walk. The snow was beautiful, the flakes were huge, but it wasn't that cold out it was just a beautiful night. We gathered up snow and thew it at each other, we made snow angels, we played and at one point he stopped me held me by the shoulders and just looked at me. My knees went weak, I just knew he would be my first kiss too. But that didn't happen, he stopped himself and threw more snow at me. It was a great night. We would see each other here and there at picnics, family/friends gatherings but it wasn't until the 4th of July a few years later that he finally saw me the way I had seen him all those years before. He noticed me and liked it. He may not have been my first kiss because there were a couple kisses prior to that day but we did share kisses that day and so much more. Like I said, he was my first everything. It was a crazy mixed up day, a whirlwind, while I didn't want it to go as far as it did, I wanted nothing more than to be what he wanted. I fell for him again. And he broke my heart when he wanted nothing more from me after that day. I mean we still ran into each other here and there and were friendly but my wide eyed innocence was gone, no longer the little girl crushing on him, he was my first broken heart too.
And now he has Stage 4 cancer. I am not so sure why it is hitting me as hard as it is but I can't stop the tears. It just seems so unfair. And then that mortality thing. He is only 2 years older than me. He worked so hard so that his quality of life would be better because he could be a full time dad to his little girl. And now what, why did the universe throw him this curve ball?

What about my quality of life? I think it is pretty darn good for the most part but there are things that need to change. I am good at ignoring the bad stuff and pretending that all is really good. Don't get me wrong, I now how lucky I am and have been very fortunate to have all the things that I have in my life. But I can improve my quality of life and I plan to. I have always had a weight issue and I need to focus on that so that I can enjoy my life more. I would love to be able to dance - I got moves but when you see me move you only see the blob moving about. I wanna play volleyball again, I want to walk without getting winded, I want people to do a double take because I am pretty or I look good in my clothes.
This leads me to the analogy that I use to describe my love life (as if there was one)... it goes something like this:
I am a kitty... I am one of those cute little kitties that is left in a box in front of the Wal-mart that says, "Free to a good home." Lots of people stop and pick up the kitty and give her some love and attention, make her purr and then they put her back in the box and go on with their life. But in that one moment in time, someone gave her attention. And you know I am okay with that right now because to be quite honest I wouldn't take the kitty home either but it is fun to play with her for a minute - both enjoy the attention and we move on. At this point in my life it is easy to be the kitty left in the box because that way, you know the score, you know that the attention is fleeting but a gift each time it happens, it is drama free, it is commitment free, no worries... you are only responsible for yourself and you don't have to worry about disappointing anyone. No baggage.

I do my best to keep things cool, keep them simple, my problem is that when I find someone and I have a good time with them I want to have more good times with them but I think that they are thinking that I want more from them... but I don't... "more" would mess up the harmony. Take for example a recent situation - there is a friend of mine... known her for a few years, we have friends in common and over the last year we have gotten to know each other pretty well. We flirt and smooch every so often and that is all good - but she is in a committed relationship so I won't cross that line. I told her my "Kitty in a box" story and she said that she would have never left kitty in the box. Aww, how sweet. Doesn't matter, in this case kitty "has" to stay in the box because she is not a home wrecker. Things have never gotten out of hand but one night it started heading down that slippery slope and I stopped things. I explained to her that I was "the other woman" once and I learned my lesson. I wasn't going to do that again. She pleaded with me, saying that if things were okay at home then she wouldn't be looking for affection elsewhere. Understood. Not going to get that from me. Everyone ends up getting hurt. She needed me to know that had she found the kitty in the box first that there would have been no doubt, that kitty would have been brought home. Again, sweet, but that isn't how things are and to be honest I am not going to go there, not going to be the reason someone else gets hurt. I deserve better than being 2nd best.

That leads me to the frustration that I think I may have scared off a friend because I think she thinks I was hoping for more. I am bad sometimes at assuming that I know how others feel or assuming I know what they are thinking so even as I write this at the risk she may ready it - I could be way off base but I wish there was an easy way to tell her that we are chill. I have been over the moon about getting to know this person... I always knew there was more behind her eyes but I never thought we would have so much in common. She is someone that I think "gets it" sees things the way I do. I want to learn more about her and hang with her but I am afraid in my flirtation she may be afraid that I am looking for more. At this phase in my life I am not in the position of offering more than friendship, flirtations and an occasional cinnamon kiss. I do have a lot of love to give and someday I hope to find someone to give that too but until I am comfortable in my skin it would be unfair to look for more now. I am very protective of my heart it has been broken a few times and I am really cautious about putting it out there to get crushed again. Ya know? So when I tell you that the kiss I had been waiting 5 years to get was everything that I dreamed it would be means just that. I have thought about kissing her a few different times, wondered what it would be like and it was amazing, made me weak in the knees and it was as I had hoped it would be. Sad thing is, I doubt she will remember it because she was a little (a lot) buzzed. It is sad because I would like you to remember it the same way. And while it may never happen again, I had my once and I am happy with that. LOL then again if you don't remember it then we should do it again so you can have the memory. :) I like to kiss. I believe it is an art form, it should be savored and not rushed... and just because I enjoy kissing does not mean that every person I kiss I want to go to bed with. Anyway... if by chance she reads this, I want her to know that have no expectations, that I enjoy her company and I hope that I didn't scared you off - I am not looking for more than you are willing to give. I like our friendship and hope sincerely hope that we continue to learn about each other.

I am dazed by thoughts of my own mortality and those around me and confused as to why it is that when you go out to play you either snag the ones that are "taken" or scare away the ones that assume that you want more when all you want to do is have a good time, with no strings attached. It's no wonder I am feeling a little sideways.