how do you say goodbye?

If you were told that you only had one year to live, what would you do? How would you live your final 12 months of life? Would you tell anyone? Who would you tell? Who would you tell first? Why that person? Where would you go? Would you look back at the life you have lived? Did you do everything you wanted to do? Did you tell your loved ones that you love them enough? Did you find love? Passion? How do you want to be remembered? Did you make you mark? Was it important to you to make a mark? Is it important to you how people will remember you? What was important to you before you received the news that you only have a year left of your life? Is that still important? Did that ideal change? How so? Why?

After receiving this kind of news there has got to be a pity party that would take place. The question would be why me? How could this be happening to me? Then I am sure there would be some bargaining that would take place... Vowing to be good, to eat right, to never be harsh to another living soul, give up everything to make sure this wouldn't be happening. Then acceptance with conditions... knowing that this is happening, that there is a time frame but hope to push those limits to exist longer than the doctors say just to prove they were wrong... but none the less living every moment until no longer able to.

I found out recently that my friend Ken, Kenny to me, has a year to live. He has not one but two kinds of cancer in his body. One is in his liver, it is non-aggressive and while the liver is diseased it is still functioning and that is a good thing. The other is a mass in his colon, sadly, it is an aggressive cancer and it is already at stage 4, what makes that worse if they do surgery at this point his year is whittled down to 4 months. So no surgery. The other scary thing is that there are blood clots and if not careful he could "throw" one of those and if it got to his heart, well, it could kill him too. So what do you do? What would you do? They offered up chemo but there are no guarantees that chemo will extend his life. So at this point he said no to chemo because it makes you so sick that his quality of life would totally suck and if he only has a year left he would rather be stronger and enjoy what time he has left with his 12 year old daughter. Makes sense. So the game plan at this point is to play it day by day - keep going to the docs, keep researching what can be done, keep taking daily injections of an anticoagulant so help with the blood clots... maybe just maybe there will be something that can help.

Would you lose hope? Would you keep fighting? Would you just let it be what it is and do whatever you want for the last year of your life?

Think back... do you remember being 6? What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were 12 did you want to be the same thing? Did that ever change? How many times did it change? Or did you grow up and become what you wanted to be when you were 6... or 12...or 18?

Back to being 6 or 7 or 10 or 12... do you remember what it felt like to play all day? Remember not wanting to go home but you had to because Mom was calling or the light went on. Do you remember playing? Being carefree? Having nothing to worry about except where you were going to ride your bike to or what game you were going to play or who's house you were going to hang out at... remember? Remember the first day of school? Remember the first person that was your best friend? You first crush? Your first kiss? Getting your license? You first car? Your first "real" date? Dances, football games, skating rink, cruising with your friends through town.... remember?
Remember your first heartbreak? The first time a song made you cry? Do you remember the first person to give you butterflies? Have you ever broken a heart? Ever wished on a star? Ever watched a thunderstorm roll in and be amazed by the lightning?

Since I found out about Kenny I have been spending a lot of time remembering and so many things that remind me of him have come to the surface - a friend mentioned a date that she had hoped her daughter would have her granddaughter on - what day was that? August 11th - Kenny's birthday. I was looking around the house and came across his senior yearbook, well it was my sophomore yearbook too but he was a senior in it. Just a couple weeks ago, I was at Mom's and on the news, was Kenny's dad - he is an officer and is the one that gets to go in TV and explain things to the public, I don't even remember the case he was talking about but there he was and Kenny looks so much like him I felt a pang of the impending loss. Then I was driving home for work tonight and remembered seeing him driving the same roads 25 plus years ago, in his Jeep, laughing, looking for chicks, having the time of his life. That sparked more memories and again my heart was heavy and I started to wonder - how would I react if the news was given to me that I only have one year to live... and that led me to this blog.

I have no answers right now, I have introspection, fear and heartache... it all just seems unfair. Obviously I am not to the acceptance phase - I am sad for him and his little girl and his mom - but I do have hope that maybe there will be some more answers down the road and that his year will be extended, however in this moment, this moment right now, my tears fall with the memories from when I was 6 and I was his shadow.

Dazed and Confused...

Just like the title says... I am feeling dazed and confused. So much has been going on with and around me sometimes I am not sure which way is up and I feel a bit sideways. Before I get going, I have to say that I am a very lucky Kitty, my life has been blessed. I have so many wonderful things in my life, my mom and family, my dear friend who are my chosen family, my job and co-workers, my kings, my life.
So why am I feeling sideways? Well lots of stuff kind of coming at me at once and I am not real sure where the shift in the universe was but something happened and my path started to wind. I laughed to myself in this very moment because I am not so sure where to start. Let's go peripheral first. Things around me started to swirl when I found out that one of my uncles ended up in the hospital with a severe infection in his feet and lower legs. He said there wasn't a lot of pain but he is also one of the most stoic people I know... anyway, I have always referred to him as "the mountain man" because he lives alone out in the middle of nowhere Truxton - a bit of a scary drive getting to his house. Well my uncle is my mom's older brother, he had a wife and 4 kids, 3 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. His life with his kids has always been turbulent, the 3 older ones were involved in all sorts of drug activity, using, making, distributing... the youngest sadly was killed at the age of 17 in a car wreck in 1987. The 3 other ones were in and out of jail and for the most part estranged from him. His wife died like 10 years ago leaving him to live alone. Well a few months ago we found out that one of the grandsons, who was in jail, was found dead in his cell - possible suicide but nothing was confirmed, his name was Mike. Well one week to the day, Mike's mom, my uncle's daughter also committed suicide, intentional overdose. Seriously, how much can one man take? But being the strong silent type my uncle just went on about his life - then the infection. My mom and her 2 sisters worried over him - they found out that he had not taken care of himself, he was eating like every other day, not bathing, just not doing what one needs to do to care for ones self. After leaving the hospital he agreed to stay with one of my aunts and then with the other before returning home. I have never been close to this uncle, quite honestly, he always scared me, he is quiet and when he does talk he has a deep voice, makes me feel like a scared little girl.
So why do I bring him up? Fear... he is in his early 70's and for the first time I started thinking about the mortality of my family. My family is rather small and half of us are already gone. Then I start thinking about my mom's mortality. She is not in the best of health, but like her brother is quite stoic and doesn't always tell you everything that is going on. Every time I see her I fear how much time we have left and I get scared. She is my best friend, she is my lifeline and I really don't know how I will survive without her. FORTUNATELY I have no real reason to fear anything at this time but it makes you think.
On another scary family note, my aunt is battling breast cancer. She was diagnosed one year ago and have been undergoing treatment, she is done with chemo and is now finishing radiation. She really is doing better and according to the docs is currently cancer free - but the type of cancer she had is very aggressive and has a high chance of coming back. We are rejoicing in the here and now and enjoying all the time we can. But still scary. Again, makes you think about your own mortality.
This leads me to that friend I talked about in my last blog - the one that just stopped using her insulin and was found near comatose in her home. She is only 10 years older than me and again with her, even tho I am at a loss as to what to do about her I find myself questioning "quality of life." Was her quality of life so bad that she just gave up? I know that she suffered from depression but she refused to admit to that and refused to even look into it - so being untreated for depression leads me to think that her quality of life had to be bad. Same with my uncle, alone on his mountain, his quality of life had to be bad as well being that he stopped taking care of himself and just didn't seem to care anymore. But my aunt, her cancer was a wake up call, a painful wake up call. It brought she and I closer and I think it strengthened her bond with my mom and her other sister. She wants to be better, she wants to have more out of life and each day with each treatment she pushes for having a better quality of life because she is going to beat this demon called cancer. That gives me hope.

Then just this week I am blind sided with the news that a childhood friend, Ken, was in the hospital with a ruptured spleen - scary thing is that his spleen was full of cancer. Damn! He is only 2 years older than me. Back to the mortality thing. I get a call from my mom today, she had an update. Ken's mom just got back in town from spending time with him at the hospital and she called my mom with an update. So mom called me and told me that when they went in to remove the spleen they found a large mass, that too was removed but there was more cancerous tumors on his colon. My eyes filled with tears as she says, "he has stage 4 cancer." My heart fell, a lump rose in my throat, I had to end the call because I needed a moment. All in one moment, I had flashes of our moments together, thoughts that he is too young, he has worked so hard for the military so that he could retire early so that he could watch his little girl grow up. Then the reality that I it doesn't matter how old you are, how healthy or unhealthy you are, poor, rich, smart, not-so-smart, cancer just happens to some people for no reason at all.
Ken was my first everything. I met him after my mom married my step dad... Ken's mom and step dad were friends friends of theirs. I was 6 when we met, he was 8. I thought he was the coolest person I had every laid eyes on. I followed him around like a puppy. My first crush on a boy. We were friends, he thought it was funny that I had a crush on him but it fed his ego so he was good with it. One night when I was like 12, he would have been 14, we were invited to his house for dinner and our folks were going to play cards. It was the first snow of the year and he and I went out for a walk. The snow was beautiful, the flakes were huge, but it wasn't that cold out it was just a beautiful night. We gathered up snow and thew it at each other, we made snow angels, we played and at one point he stopped me held me by the shoulders and just looked at me. My knees went weak, I just knew he would be my first kiss too. But that didn't happen, he stopped himself and threw more snow at me. It was a great night. We would see each other here and there at picnics, family/friends gatherings but it wasn't until the 4th of July a few years later that he finally saw me the way I had seen him all those years before. He noticed me and liked it. He may not have been my first kiss because there were a couple kisses prior to that day but we did share kisses that day and so much more. Like I said, he was my first everything. It was a crazy mixed up day, a whirlwind, while I didn't want it to go as far as it did, I wanted nothing more than to be what he wanted. I fell for him again. And he broke my heart when he wanted nothing more from me after that day. I mean we still ran into each other here and there and were friendly but my wide eyed innocence was gone, no longer the little girl crushing on him, he was my first broken heart too.
And now he has Stage 4 cancer. I am not so sure why it is hitting me as hard as it is but I can't stop the tears. It just seems so unfair. And then that mortality thing. He is only 2 years older than me. He worked so hard so that his quality of life would be better because he could be a full time dad to his little girl. And now what, why did the universe throw him this curve ball?

What about my quality of life? I think it is pretty darn good for the most part but there are things that need to change. I am good at ignoring the bad stuff and pretending that all is really good. Don't get me wrong, I now how lucky I am and have been very fortunate to have all the things that I have in my life. But I can improve my quality of life and I plan to. I have always had a weight issue and I need to focus on that so that I can enjoy my life more. I would love to be able to dance - I got moves but when you see me move you only see the blob moving about. I wanna play volleyball again, I want to walk without getting winded, I want people to do a double take because I am pretty or I look good in my clothes.
This leads me to the analogy that I use to describe my love life (as if there was one)... it goes something like this:
I am a kitty... I am one of those cute little kitties that is left in a box in front of the Wal-mart that says, "Free to a good home." Lots of people stop and pick up the kitty and give her some love and attention, make her purr and then they put her back in the box and go on with their life. But in that one moment in time, someone gave her attention. And you know I am okay with that right now because to be quite honest I wouldn't take the kitty home either but it is fun to play with her for a minute - both enjoy the attention and we move on. At this point in my life it is easy to be the kitty left in the box because that way, you know the score, you know that the attention is fleeting but a gift each time it happens, it is drama free, it is commitment free, no worries... you are only responsible for yourself and you don't have to worry about disappointing anyone. No baggage.

I do my best to keep things cool, keep them simple, my problem is that when I find someone and I have a good time with them I want to have more good times with them but I think that they are thinking that I want more from them... but I don't... "more" would mess up the harmony. Take for example a recent situation - there is a friend of mine... known her for a few years, we have friends in common and over the last year we have gotten to know each other pretty well. We flirt and smooch every so often and that is all good - but she is in a committed relationship so I won't cross that line. I told her my "Kitty in a box" story and she said that she would have never left kitty in the box. Aww, how sweet. Doesn't matter, in this case kitty "has" to stay in the box because she is not a home wrecker. Things have never gotten out of hand but one night it started heading down that slippery slope and I stopped things. I explained to her that I was "the other woman" once and I learned my lesson. I wasn't going to do that again. She pleaded with me, saying that if things were okay at home then she wouldn't be looking for affection elsewhere. Understood. Not going to get that from me. Everyone ends up getting hurt. She needed me to know that had she found the kitty in the box first that there would have been no doubt, that kitty would have been brought home. Again, sweet, but that isn't how things are and to be honest I am not going to go there, not going to be the reason someone else gets hurt. I deserve better than being 2nd best.

That leads me to the frustration that I think I may have scared off a friend because I think she thinks I was hoping for more. I am bad sometimes at assuming that I know how others feel or assuming I know what they are thinking so even as I write this at the risk she may ready it - I could be way off base but I wish there was an easy way to tell her that we are chill. I have been over the moon about getting to know this person... I always knew there was more behind her eyes but I never thought we would have so much in common. She is someone that I think "gets it" sees things the way I do. I want to learn more about her and hang with her but I am afraid in my flirtation she may be afraid that I am looking for more. At this phase in my life I am not in the position of offering more than friendship, flirtations and an occasional cinnamon kiss. I do have a lot of love to give and someday I hope to find someone to give that too but until I am comfortable in my skin it would be unfair to look for more now. I am very protective of my heart it has been broken a few times and I am really cautious about putting it out there to get crushed again. Ya know? So when I tell you that the kiss I had been waiting 5 years to get was everything that I dreamed it would be means just that. I have thought about kissing her a few different times, wondered what it would be like and it was amazing, made me weak in the knees and it was as I had hoped it would be. Sad thing is, I doubt she will remember it because she was a little (a lot) buzzed. It is sad because I would like you to remember it the same way. And while it may never happen again, I had my once and I am happy with that. LOL then again if you don't remember it then we should do it again so you can have the memory. :) I like to kiss. I believe it is an art form, it should be savored and not rushed... and just because I enjoy kissing does not mean that every person I kiss I want to go to bed with. Anyway... if by chance she reads this, I want her to know that have no expectations, that I enjoy her company and I hope that I didn't scared you off - I am not looking for more than you are willing to give. I like our friendship and hope sincerely hope that we continue to learn about each other.

I am dazed by thoughts of my own mortality and those around me and confused as to why it is that when you go out to play you either snag the ones that are "taken" or scare away the ones that assume that you want more when all you want to do is have a good time, with no strings attached. It's no wonder I am feeling a little sideways.

Done.

So I think of myself as a caring and compassionate person. I am emotional and tender hearted, just ask anyone, they will roll their eyes because I have been known to cry with a good Hallmark commercial or those darn Maxwell House commercials. Anyway so I get news today that a woman I used to work with was back in the hospital. I feel nothing.
The back story: We will call her "R." She is old than I am, somewhere in her 50's and she and I worked well together when we worked together. She was a special sort of person in that there was a way that you had to handle her sometimes with kid gloves. But none-the-less, she liked me and we worked well together. Well R was not a fan of people, except me, and she told me so, she was not particularly nice, she was to me, she was okay, mostly quiet. She loved her cats more than life and then her dog too. So several months ago, I am told by a mutual co-worker that she was in the hospital, that she had suffered a stroke, a broken ankle and her blood sugar was like 1600. This was not good. She was found by her mother in her home laying across the coffee table onto her couch. She was conscious but not alert. It was a very scary time. She was taken to ICU. I went and sat with her there, talked to her mom, visited throughout her stay in the hospital. But she said then as she has always said, "I don't care." Well being that I fancy myself an observer of human behavior and a junior counselor, I asked her is maybe she should talk to a therapist. She fought me on this and said she was not depressed or crazy. I told her that maybe she could use an anti depressant to take the edge off. She said there was no edge, she just didn't care, and hated people. This was her typical answer or response to everything.
So while she was in the hospital her co-workers took up a collection, got volunteers and donations so that they could strip out her house and clean it for her. Why? Because she was a horder, she didn't clean up after the 4 cats and stuff was piled everywhere. They even gave her a bigger bathroom to accomodate a wheelchair or a walker for her return home. Wow. These people were amazing. And while she appreciated what they had done, she complained about everythng too. So she came home. She attempted to go back to work but that didn't work out, the doctor said that she would never be able to work there again. So she is home-home.
I tried a coupld times to make contact with her, even got angry with her that she had to go back to the hosp but wouldn't ask for help. She has my number, she has numbers to a few of us that can help and are/were willing to help. But she didn't call, she didn't call back if you called to check on her and IF she did talk to you she always said she was fine regardless how she was. I was done. I decided that I can not be the only one to care about our friendship,,, if she didn't care, why should I? It has to be a give and take. I do know that there are times in every friendship where one needs the other a little more but that is usually reciprocated somewhere down the road. Not in this case. Ever. I am done.

Current day: I received a call today that R was found in her home and thought to be dead. Someone saw her laying on the floor but she was not moving. Well once everyone got there and got into the home she was awake, again not coherent but she was not dead. Her cat however was and had been for a while - seems that the dog had made a snack out of the cat - unknown how long it had been that the dog had been fed. I find out later that she had stopped taking her insulin at the beginng of May. This, to me, my opinion only, is a slow suicide attempt. She knows she needs it to stay alive, she chooses to not take it. Hmm. So anyway the girl that called it in started to cry stating that she should have done more for her. I told her that R would not let anyone help her, this was her choice, we tried. She didn't and doesn't want help, she has made this choice.

So I get the call today and I felt nothing.
Well I feel sadness because no one should live like she has and sadness that she won't let anyone help her, doesn't want anyone to help her.
I am not crying. I am not worried. I just "am." Feel like "it's whatever."
If this was any of my other friends I would feel more and that makes me sad too.

Sad.

Time for another entry

So here we are again and still thinking this is pretty cool.
It is Sunday and I am recovering from yesterday. Some friends and I got together at my Mom's for a pool party and it was really a good time. I ended up swimming too but fully clothed. I know, stupid but it was fun, it was refreshing and a little embarrassing. See I am not a fan of the way I look right now and I do not have a swimsuit nor do I want one until things are better. I could have done shorts and a shirt right... well yeah - no shorts right now. ha I was supposed to do that before yesterday but I ket putting it off and well it didn't happen. So there I was in my jeans and shirt! I played pretty hard, well hard for me and now I am feeling it. I am sore head to toe and it was worth it. It was fun... I miss playing like that and in the pool it is easier for me to do!! I am gonna have to start going to Mom's daily for swims! Well maybe not daily because working 12 hour nights makes that a little tight but I can do it a few days each week!! Moving on...
So everyone was there... Brenda got me an awesome cake. It was a girl in a bubble bath holding a drink. To make it more appropriate, that drink should have been a cell phone and then candles around the sides. Kitty likes her bubble baths! And it was delicious! I got some cool stuff which really wasn't necessary but I appreciated it!! It was a great day all around!!

So what is up today? Well right now, I am yawning my head off and I am thinking a nap is called for. Tonight I am planning on hanging out with a friend and chill for a while... then later I may be heading up to Novak's for karaoke. Beth and Red are at Gay Days at 6 flags so I am not sure they are going to be up to going out tonight too... so I can play that all by ear!! None the less it is going to be a great night!

Tomorrow is Monday and a king night. Seems that I have become the Drag King Coordinator. How do I feel about this? Well, when Rydyr first stepped down I thought I want to do it - who loves MY boys more than me? No one so why not me. But then again, I work every other Monday so I can't always be there... and is that fair to them? Well Rydyr couldn't always be there either, that is life - they would be fine. Just so happens that for the month of June between Candice and I at work have flip flopped and I got all my Mondays off. YAY ME! So I have taken this on and so far I am actually loving it. The ONLY drawback is the fact that I don't have all my kings as fb friends or their email addresses... I need them. I will keep working on that! Anyway I am looking forward to tomorrow - Daniel is back and I have missed him so much AND he says he has a "Kitty set" for me and that just makes me wanna giggle!! Some birthday celebrations never end!! Al is back too and I missed his sweet little face! Two weeks in a row I get to see Missie and T - T er Ryder Long is performing and I think Missie is in one of the numbers - not sure as Misty or Mister, so we will see. I have some friends that will be there too and am pretty excited to get to hang with them as well.

Ya know, Being Kitty right now is pretty damn good! :)

So... time to post a blog...

So a friend on mine introduced me to this world of blogging. Not that I didn't know that it was here or available I just never took the time to try and figure it out. But I just read though her blogs and found that she has a lot of intriguing ideas and ideals and thoughts on how things are, were, may be and have yet to be...
I began to think that this would be a way for me to express myself and share all the wisdom I have with anyone willing to read my words. Ha, okay even that made me grin... seriously this seems like it would be a nice outlet for whatever the emotion may be. Now tonight I am wishing that I was not stuck in what I refer to as "the cave." I am at work and the room we sit in for the 12 hours has no windows, we are in the hub of the building and everything goes on around us and yet we are mostly unaffected. We "can" see the outside if we change our camera angle to look out there but it's just not the same as having a window. Anyway, I hate being at work and not wanting to work. Don't get me wrong I love my job, it can be exciting, it is rarely redundant and for the most part I can take advantage of slow moments to say, blog. :) But tonight I don't want to be here... I have a big weekend planned and I am ready for it to begin. Tomorrow I am having a small bbq at my mom's... they are making it about my bday to give us a "reason" to gather... I think just the bbq would have been enough. I hang out with some pretty cool kids (lol) and I am excited to be in a non-bar location to kick back and just chill, ya know. Plus my mom's basement is literally like a time capsule from the 70's; complete with a jukebox, barrel furniture and the bathroom is carpeted. What your bathroom has carpet too? What about on the walls and ceiling along with the floor... oh yeah... hello 1972!! My mom has always been creative and this is one of her masterpieces. Everyone loves it, as do I!! She also has a killer pool out back and with it being like 95 tomorrow with a heat index of over 100 - we will need it. So I can't wait.
Then Sunday is going to roll around and my normal Sunday that I am off duty I meet up with Beth and we do some wicked cool karaoke, even if I do say so myself. ha, it is fun regardless. But it looks like this Sunday I may get the pleasure of kicking back a chilling with someone that makes me think. Oh and this is a good thing... we have lots in common, at least it is shaping up that way and all I can say is that while she has been peripheral in my life up until now, I really am having fun just getting to know her. It is "easy." Does that make sense? It is fun and just being myself seems to make her smile and seriously isn't that one of the things that makes life worthwhile, when you can make another human being smile? Well I think so and she makes me smile too... but it's cool. We have similar ideas about how people join us on our path in life and we enjoy them for the time that they are there because we need to live in the moment... you don't know how long it will last and that is not the point the point is that while you are on the same path at the same time, the moment is yours to have and enjoy in whatever capacity that is. So that is why it is easy... we are just enjoying this time to get to know each other and I gotta say making a new friend is pretty damn cool. So thank you for finally allowing me to get to know you. So if it all plays out the way it should... I will be able to hang with her on Sunday and I am looking forward to it.
Monday is my 3rd day off and I think I will be giving a driving lesson to Brittany. I have got to get this kid on the road... she is scared and she is not really "wanting" to drive but knows she needs to. OMG when I was her age... actually starting at about 13 all I could think of was getting my license and here she is dragging her feet. Are you kidding me? LOL but I am gonna go and help her out before heading to my bar for the Drag King Show. Great line up, at least I think so and I am excited about that too. So 3 days - filled with awesomeness...
There is so much I wanna say but I will stop for now... I will be back. Isn't technology cool?