I like to listen to talk radio, I know, most people roll their eyes at me when I say that, but it's okay, it is, after all, an acquired taste. I especially enjoy listening to NPR (National Public Radio) or PRI (Public Radio International).
Today I was listening while getting ready to go to friends and they were talking to an author about her new book. She is Allison Pearson and she wrote the book, "I Think I Love You." Does that sound familiar? Does it stir up memories? It did for me too. Who didn't love David Cassidy back in the 70's? Well the book is about a 13yr old girl who loves David Cassidy, she idolizes him, she is obsessed with meeting him. The author based this on her infatuation with David Cassidy in the early 70's and she made a comment, "it was all about David Cassidy for me, for girls younger than me, it was Donny Osmond and girls older than me, it was more like Bobby Sherman." She said she was 13 in 1974, I was 8. She pegged me right. It was all about Donny Osmond.
Some things never change, look around... our little girls, tween, pre-pubescent trouble makers have gone from obsessing over The Jonas Brothers to Edward vs. Jacob to Justin Bieber... AHHHH OH MY GOD JUSTIN BIEBER. I have to laugh at myself when I roll my eyes or sigh at their excitement because I, as well as all my friends were the same way. The generations before us were just as bad, you have seen the archived films of hoards of girls screaming and crying over The Beatles and Elvis Presley among others.
I remember asking my mom why those girls were crying. She told me because they were excited that The Beatles were in America. On that same footage they showed the Ed Sullivan show when Elvis was there and how crazy the girls were. I just didn't understand how girls could be so.... girlie. Well, confession time, I had my "crazy" moment when I was about 12. I went to Six Flags Over Mid America and had no idea until we saw the marquee out front that Davy Jones and Mickey Dolenz of The Monkees were going to be performing!! OMG OMG OMG - I loved the Monkees, I loved the stupid show, I thought they were all dreamy at different times, except for Mike, I didn't care for him. Anyway, I told my mom that the first thing I was going to find out was what time they were performing and would be at that show! She rolled her eyes, she didn't care, it meant she got a break form being dragged from place to place. Long story short, I went, they performed and I screamed my fool head off and yes, I cried. I finally understood.
That was just one moment in time. Back on the home front aka the base of obsession, I had posters on my wall or Donald Clark Osmond - I felt I knew him and had planned to grow up and marry him. Joining him was Scott Baio, who I was also going to marry. Scott and Donny were actual big poster sized posters but I also had both of them torn out of Tiger Beat, everything from the pin up pics to little cut out pictures... they also shared the walls with Lief Garrett, Tony Danza and Ralph Macchio, The Original Karate Kid and Kristy McNichol. I wouldn't understand this crush until years later!!
Do you remember your first crushes? Dealing with little ones who just know they are going to be the next Mrs. Jonas or Mrs. Bieber? Do you still have crushes on celebrities? Not crazy obsessed ones like when we were kids but you know the kind were you think... Oh yeah, I would go there. LOL Mine is Mark Wahlberg... or Mila Kunis... or J Lo.... yes please!
March. It is March of 2011 and I haven't written in here since July of 2010. So many things have happened both good, bad and ugly. Where to begin?
Well let's start with Kenny, since that is where I left off. Kenny's birthday was August 11th. He passed away at about 5am the morning of August 10th. He would have been 46. I was in constant contact with his mom, she kept me up to date with how he was doing, how she was doing and when he was put into hospice, it was just a matter of time. I told her to tell him I loved him. She said she would whisper it to him so his wife wouldn't get upset, but it didn't matter, he just needed to know. His mom is certain that he did know and that makes me feel better. So that night I went to bed, I cried myself to sleep... but as I was laying there crying, I was praying. I prayed to let him find peace and have no more pain. At some point I started talking directly to Kenny... through my tears I told him how important he had been to my early years and how I always had a connection to him no matter where he was or where I was. I told him that even though it really sucked that it was his time to go because he was far too young and his daughter was too young to not have her dad... but that he needed to go ahead and cross over so he could be at peace. The pain was bad, they had him on morphine to make him comfortable and knowing him like I did, that was no way for him to live. I told him it was going to be okay. That his mom loved him and she would make sure that Lena, his daughter would be well taken care of and that she promised him, she would keep things civil with his wife for Lena. I told him again that I loved him and exhausted from crying, I drifted off to sleep.
I had a dream that night. It was Ken, they way I remembered him, it was Kenny. He looked just like I always remembered him, he said nothing, he just smiled. I, of course, was excited to see him and asked him a hundred questions, all in a blur. His blue eyes just twinkled at me in amusement and somehow I knew to follow him. We were in a place that strongly resembled the home he grew up in... I loved that house. I used to dream of owning that house. Anyway, I followed him up and around a ramped area, we walked past video games, Pac Man, Ms Pac Man, Tempest (my personal favorite), Asteroids and Centipede... things from our childhood. I told him how cool it was and how I remembered those days. He walked in front of my holding my hand as I followed him and we came to a hallway. He stopped. I moved in close behind him, he reached back with his other hand finding my free hand, leaned back into me. I held him. I told him that it was okay. He could do this. Everything was going to be fine. Together we walked slowly... at one point I hugged him from behind and let him go and he continued to walk. He never looked back and then he was gone. I woke up.
I thought very calmly, he's gone. I looked over at my phone and thought to myself, all I have to do is look at my phone, I knew there would be confirmation from his mom what I already knew. I looked. There was a text from her saying that he was gone. My heart pounded. I grinned to myself and I thanked him for letting me be with him when it was time to cross over. Talk about an amazing moment all thanks to Kenny.
Since then he has come to me a few more times in my dreams just to make contact, let me know he is okay, sometimes he chats sometimes he is just there... but he has acknowledged that he knows that my life has changed and he seemed to be fine with that, happy for me that I found who I really am.
He is missed everyday by his family and his friends. Be at peace my friend, you are loved!
Moving on... my love life is still non-existent. Wait, back up, I should say non-existent again. I had a few brief encounters with the one girl that I was afraid I scared off, we are still friends and I think even closer than before. But with my work, her work and school we don't talk as much as before but I know she knows, I am just a technological link away - she can text, call or facebook me anytime and there is something comforting in that because I know it goes both ways.
Welp, I did what I said I wouldn't do... (no surprise there) I crossed a line I never should have crossed. I was weak, I was in love, I was caught up in my own heart that I set everything else aside and stepped wholeheartedly throwing all caution to the wind across that line. It was amazing. It was brief. But the gig is up. We got caught. Well, to be honest we were stupid in how we did things, I mean we might as well have put up a billboard saying what we were doing - looking best it should should have been obvious to the one person I didn't want to hurt. Actually, it all almost went down the "right" way. Due to irreconcilable differences, they broke up. All was fine. It looked like I might be able to slide though unscathed and maybe even have a real relationship. BAM!! The next day, ALL hell broke loose. She started to question things, everything, she confronted her partner and asked if there was someone else. (deny, deny, deny) Well my sweetheart denied that there was anyone else, tried to protect me, but the writing was already on the wall, if you are asking if there is someone else, you already know that there is. All the pieces of the puzzle came together and slapped her in the face and broke her heart and her trust... she just lost her love and her friend and was devastated. THAT is what I would take back. THAT is what I regret.
So it has been a roller coaster ride since, sometimes smooth, sometimes scary, there are straightaways and and curves and a lot of hills and loop-de-loops!!
Obviously it is over for me. I have had to leave the romance behind me and at first I was devastated too, I allowed myself to believe in the dream. I was let off the hook in a way, I don't have to see her on a daily basis, I don't have to deal with her except every so often. But my friend, the holder of my heart, is still with her, still trying to work things out and with her almost 24/7 and she has to deal with the ever changing emotions. Every time I think we are over the hump and things are better something else happens. I refuse to give up my friendship with my sweetheart because we have a connection and we have done NOTHING that we need to apologize for. We promised her that nothing else would happen and nothing has. I miss my friend, I miss our talks, and our flirtations. I know that flirting sounds counter-productive but honestly we are just flirty people and to take that away from us would be a huge red flag to those around us. I want to go back to "normal" but that won't happen, I am just hoping that we will find a new normal.
Let's see, what else. Oh I finally went to Weight Watchers (WW). I started in January and since beginning I have done well. I am down 23.4 pounds and that is great! In June I had blood work done and at that time my cholesterol was 231. High I know but I was excited that in 10 years & probably 50 pounds I had only gone up 1 point. Well big news, I had blood work done again a couple weeks ago and my cholesterol is now 178! OMGosh. Amazing what can happen when you virtually stop going to fast food places. So I have my weigh ins on Mondays, which means we will have news tomorrow. I am hoping for a loss, I would love to hit 25 pounds down. So that is what? 1.6lbs? I hope that happens. I have had a pretty good week so I guess we will see.
Also, I have some other blogs that I have written that I think I may post here too... like the one I wrote last night about obsessive crushes when you are 13.
Thanks for catching up with me... until later... Kitty
