If you were told that you only had one year to live, what would you do? How would you live your final 12 months of life? Would you tell anyone? Who would you tell? Who would you tell first? Why that person? Where would you go? Would you look back at the life you have lived? Did you do everything you wanted to do? Did you tell your loved ones that you love them enough? Did you find love? Passion? How do you want to be remembered? Did you make you mark? Was it important to you to make a mark? Is it important to you how people will remember you? What was important to you before you received the news that you only have a year left of your life? Is that still important? Did that ideal change? How so? Why?After receiving this kind of news there has got to be a pity party that would take place. The question would be why me? How could this be happening to me? Then I am sure there would be some bargaining that would take place... Vowing to be good, to eat right, to never be harsh to another living soul, give up everything to make sure this wouldn't be happening. Then acceptance with conditions... knowing that this is happening, that there is a time frame but hope to push those limits to exist longer than the doctors say just to prove they were wrong... but none the less living every moment until no longer able to.
I found out recently that my friend Ken, Kenny to me, has a year to live. He has not one but two kinds of cancer in his body. One is in his liver, it is non-aggressive and while the liver is diseased it is still functioning and that is a good thing. The other is a mass in his colon, sadly, it is an aggressive cancer and it is already at stage 4, what makes that worse if they do surgery at this point his year is whittled down to 4 months. So no surgery. The other scary thing is that there are blood clots and if not careful he could "throw" one of those and if it got to his heart, well, it could kill him too. So what do you do? What would you do? They offered up chemo but there are no guarantees that chemo will extend his life. So at this point he said no to chemo because it makes you so sick that his quality of life would totally suck and if he only has a year left he would rather be stronger and enjoy what time he has left with his 12 year old daughter. Makes sense. So the game plan at this point is to play it day by day - keep going to the docs, keep researching what can be done, keep taking daily injections of an anticoagulant so help with the blood clots... maybe just maybe there will be something that can help.
Would you lose hope? Would you keep fighting? Would you just let it be what it is and do whatever you want for the last year of your life?
Think back... do you remember being 6? What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were 12 did you want to be the same thing? Did that ever change? How many times did it change? Or did you grow up and become what you wanted to be when you were 6... or 12...or 18?
Back to being 6 or 7 or 10 or 12... do you remember what it felt like to play all day? Remember not wanting to go home but you had to because Mom was calling or the light went on. Do you remember playing? Being carefree? Having nothing to worry about except where you were going to ride your bike to or what game you were going to play or who's house you were going to hang out at... remember? Remember the first day of school? Remember the first person that was your best friend? You first crush? Your first kiss? Getting your license? You first car? Your first "real" date? Dances, football games, skating rink, cruising with your friends through town.... remember?
Remember your first heartbreak? The first time a song made you cry? Do you remember the first person to give you butterflies? Have you ever broken a heart? Ever wished on a star? Ever watched a thunderstorm roll in and be amazed by the lightning?
Since I found out about Kenny I have been spending a lot of time remembering and so many things that remind me of him have come to the surface - a friend mentioned a date that she had hoped her daughter would have her granddaughter on - what day was that? August 11th - Kenny's birthday. I was looking around the house and came across his senior yearbook, well it was my sophomore yearbook too but he was a senior in it. Just a couple weeks ago, I was at Mom's and on the news, was Kenny's dad - he is an officer and is the one that gets to go in TV and explain things to the public, I don't even remember the case he was talking about but there he was and Kenny looks so much like him I felt a pang of the impending loss. Then I was driving home for work tonight and remembered seeing him driving the same roads 25 plus years ago, in his Jeep, laughing, looking for chicks, having the time of his life. That sparked more memories and again my heart was heavy and I started to wonder - how would I react if the news was given to me that I only have one year to live... and that led me to this blog.
I have no answers right now, I have introspection, fear and heartache... it all just seems unfair. Obviously I am not to the acceptance phase - I am sad for him and his little girl and his mom - but I do have hope that maybe there will be some more answers down the road and that his year will be extended, however in this moment, this moment right now, my tears fall with the memories from when I was 6 and I was his shadow.
